“Call me insensitive but I am only interested in hearing your problem once. Our next conversation has to be about solutions”

I was inspired to write this post based on some incessant complaining that I have been subjected to over the last few days. But then, when I started writing this post, I was ungenerously reminded of the nickname I was given once – cribbani! The creative nickname (an odd mixture of crib and Shiwani) was given to me because I was never really satisfied with anything. It was always a case of – We can do better!

The only thing working in my favor was that I was always dissatisfied with my own efforts and was not really prone to complain about the circumstances, the environment, or other people’s behavior. But that was also no better because it made me a perfectionist and kept me from loving myself the way I am for many years! But that is a story for another time!

Why do we Complain?

Almost all, if not all, complaining comes from a place of weakness. We complain when we are not able to handle a specific situation that life has thrown at us. Often, we find ourselves in a place where we find ourselves inadequate to handle the curveballs that life throws at us. When we find ourselves in a helpless situation, we often resort to complaining. When the locus of control of a situation is outside our influence or if we think it is outside our influence, we may feel that complaining is the only option we have.

Somewhere hidden in the complaints is a secret desire for someone to come up with a solution, a hope that someone else will take care of their problems, or some miracle will make all the hurdles go away. We all know that this wishful thinking but we often refuse to admit that!

We also complain sometimes to seek attention. The reassurance and sympathy that other people provide when we complain is a form of validation. It is a desperate pleas for someone to understand the suffering that we are going through.

Types of Complainers

Complaining can take different forms. The first type are the chronic complainers who are never satisfied with anything that is going around. The people are too dumb, the weather is too hot or too wet or too cold, the drivers are unruly, the government is too dictatorial, and the list goes on. It almost seems that complaining for these chronic complainers is a pastime that they enjoy.

Then we have those who complain by venting out their emotions and feelings. For these types of complainers, the process of complaining is all about what they are going through. These people are not really looking for solutions but a space where they can let out their emotions so that they feel lighter and better.

Types of Complaining Styles

Not everyone who complains does so aggressively. There are different ways in which people tend to complain too. Aggressive complaining involves a passionate display of opinion that is almost always contrary to what is happening. Such complaining is often backed by the logic and rationale that the complainer believes in.

Expressive complaining is often emotional in nature. In such a rant the logic is missing and what one finds is a spewing of personal emotions.

Passive complaining is neither expressive nor aggressive. However, it involves grumbling, mumbling, and murmuring till someone pays attention to them. This kind of complaining is less obvious and can sometimes be more insidious.

The only kind of complaining that has some positive side to it is constructive complaining (though I would rather all it criticism rather than complaining). This type of complaining involves picking up specifics that are deemed wrong in the system (while making note of all that is working too) and then also proposing solutions to make good the wrong.

Why Should You Stop Complaining?

Complaining can be viewed as pointing out what is wrong in the environment and therefore it can be argued that it is not completely useless. It also helps in emotional management for those who use the expressive complaining style to vent emotions. These are but, excuses to justify a habit that really is not constructive.

When we complain, we end up taking a victim stance in our minds. What we tell ourselves is that there is a lot of stuff that is wrong in the environment around us and while we do this, we do not move from this stage towards the next phase – solution! (If we did, then the initial complaining would be called criticism.)

When we complain, we do not take things into our own hands and in that sense, we can never be leaders. Even as we complain we disempower ourselves of the power that we ‘do’ have to change things around us.

When we complain, lose the ability to be in charge of our own lives by telling ourselves (and others) over and over again that all is wrong with the world and we cannot do anything about it.

When we complain, we also drain others by being negative and spread that negativity around, all the while not solving anything.

How Can You Stop Complaining?

If you have identified that you are a chronic or expressive complainer, you have already made a great start. Sometimes, however, it is not easy to call yourself out as a complainer and for such times, this is a great way to start:

• Share with someone you spend most of your time with that you want to do a small experiment.
• Ask them to point out to you each time you start to complain about anything.
• Make sure that you stay cognizant of your own complaining too.
• Make a note of the number of times in a week that you complain about anything.
• Decide for yourself whether you want to stop complaining, disempowering yourself, and spreading negativity!

If you are ready to embark on the journey to stop complaining then:

• Identify your triggers. Each time you complain, note down what your triggers are. This will also give you an indication of the things that you feel passionately about and you can later divert this passion towards more constructive activities in the area. For example, if you see yourself complaining about the education system too much, you may discover that you are passionate about the constrictive methods of teaching in your area and this may lead you towards taking positive steps towards changing the system.
• Be self-aware and mindful when you complain. Even as you identify your triggers, take up this challenge to review what you speak out loud and to yourself too. Challenge your mindset and rephrase the situation positively. This may need you to inculcate humility, empathy, and an ability to look at things from another person’s perspective.
• Understand the real reason for complaining. Irrespective of what is causing you to complain, give more than adequate thought to your own need for complaining. Addressing the real issue at hand is what will help you control your urges that may have become a habit by now. Are you seeking attention? Are you being lazy about solving your own problems? Are you expecting miracles? Are you trying to prove to others that you deserve more by complaining about things that are acceptable to others? And if yes, then what is the real reason that you are seeking these?
• Make better choices. On the practical side, it helps to stay away from chronic complainers so that you do not get sucked into a complaining contest where each person feeds off the negativity of the other. Choose to reframe complaining thoughts that come to your mind into positive ones and force yourself to look at the silver lining in any situation where you find yourself beginning to complain. Try voicing those positive silver linings that you see and expressing it to others in order to make it more real!
• Count your blessings. Make it a habit to remind yourself of all the good things that exist in your life in order to fill yourself with positivity. This positivity helps in combat surges of negativity and complaints that can take over during the course of the day. Starting your day with a list of 5 things you are thankful for goes a long way in keeping the complaining habit at bay.

The above steps help in stopping to complain. However, the root cause of complaining needs to be understood more deeply to obliterate the habit completely. If you seek to be a more positive person, someone who is empowered and takes control of their life, then you might want to have a dialogue to move ahead in this journey.

Contact me here to discuss and take this forward.