Breakups are like death! Understand the phases of breakup grief and conquer them faster. Don’t live with the baggage for life!
Breakups are tough and not only because you lose someone you love but because no one really understands that feeling. What you have in a relationship is known only to you and no one else. The older generation tends to brush it off as something that is just a phase. Your friends, while considerate, do not really get what is so special about the person you are pining about. All in all, it feels like a lonely process to a painful overcoming a breakup.
The breakup process is tougher when you have been with someone for a longer period of time. This is not to underestimate those that last for a shorter period of time but to acknowledge the years that go into believing something that suddenly shatters. When you believe you have someone on your side, and then realize, after years, that your belief was completely false, can be devastating. It has a negative effect on your self-esteem, self-worth, confidence, and, ability to move forward. You start to question your own ability to judge people or evaluate what is good for you.
Why is a Break Up Like Death?
Breakups are like death because they are actually the death of a relationship. They are the death of a connection that you had. They are also a death of the emotional support and comfort you possessed.
In fact, the pain that one feels after a break up is worse than the pain one feels facing the death of a dear one (I say this with full confidence even though it may sound too dark for some people to swallow). This is because you know death is inevitable and while you feel the loss, you also know that there is nothing you could have done to save the person.
A break up leaves you with the loss and a lot of baggage that can destroy your personality and your identity, unless you have someone who can hold your hand through the process. Alternately, it may take years for you to overcome that baggage. Heck, some people never do!
The Break Up Grief Process
Irrespective of whether the break up has occurred because you were dumped or because you found out that the other person was cheating, there is a series of grief stages you are likely to go through. It is extremely healthy to go through these stages and understand yourself at each stage in order to come out empowered, and without the baggage of this relationship that has gone wrong.
Below is a short description of each stage and the process that you must go through to emerge.
Denial and Shock
Some may not be able to accept that they have been dumped or cheated upon. There is a tendency to ignore the hard facts that are staring at you right in the face. Someone has told you that they do not love you anymore but you are just not ready to stop calling or messaging. You have caught the person cheating on you with someone but you find that you are questioning yourself about what you saw and whether you were mistaken. These are some of the signs that show that you are in denial.
If you find yourself coming up with these excuses, you may have to shock yourself out of this. Ironically enough, this jolt is often provided by the ex that forces you to move to the next level. Watch out for those passive-aggressive types who will put you down softly and never let you feel as if they were the ones at fault. In such cases, you may have to rely on a really good friend to help you through that process (because generally even friends do not like to get involved with two people who are in a relationship).
Pain and Guilt
When the shock finally comes home and you realize that the relationship is over, sadness settles in. at this stage, you are likely to think about the past and uncover all the things that you might have done wrong to have this befall you. You probably start thinking that it is something that you did that drove your ex away.
This is the stage when you have to reaffirm your faith in yourself. Ask yourself whether you really would like to become someone else, change your personality, confuse your identity, and behave differently from your true self, ONLY to have this person back in your life. And then think about how that would feel if you have to pretend to be someone else for the rest of your life. Doesn’t sound so rosy now, does it? In addition to that, you also need to understand that the reasons for the breakup are not your ‘fault’. They are a consequence of two different entities not working out. The dynamics of two people are more than the two people individually and therefore – ‘not your fault’.
Anger and Bargaining
Once the guilt aspect of the grief process is over, anger takes over. You get angry at the unfairness of the whole situation (especially if you see your ex happy or having moved on). You think that he/she had no right to do this to you or make you feel the way they did. At this stage, you move from blaming yourself to blaming the other person in the relationship. And remember, the relationship is more than the two separate individuals (ever seen two completely nice people in a relationship that does not work?). So just as it is not your fault, it is also – ‘not his/her fault’.
Spending so much time on anger, a negative feeling, is not likely to help you in any way. And if you are plotting revenge, then my dear, go ahead and try it but I can guarantee that you would just waste your precious time and come out feeling worse at the end of it.
Depression and Loneliness
This stage is the lowest point in the recovery process. When you have expunged the shock, the pain, the guilt, and the anger, there is not much more left to do. It seems you have tried everything and yet, you are in the same position. No amount of anger or guilt or pleading seems to get you what you want. You have accepted the situation, forgiven yourself, forgive the other person too. There does not seem to be much else to do. That is when you give up and hit rock bottom.
It is the most difficult to move forward at this stage. This stage takes a HUGE amount of effort. The one tip that I can give you at this stage is to force yourself to focus on something else that you want. When your brain is not letting go of your desire to be with your ex, find something that your brain considers extremely exciting and latch on to it. It has to be something that you just love. At this stage a lot of people go on a dream trip they really wanted. It could be a week off or investing in a project that you always wanted to do or taking up a course! It just has to be something you are madly passionate about so that it can pull you out of the depths you are wallowing in, right now!
Upward Turn
And yes, this will come! The moment you find that one thing that you are extremely excited about pursuing, you will have made that upward turn in your recovery. Your decisions will no longer be clouded with anger, guilt, feelings of revenge, anxiety about the future, or fear of the unknown.
Take this time to set clear goals for yourself so you do not go astray. Get dogged about your intention to pursue it, no matter what. You may have to go through an iterative process while you do this if you do not find that thing that holds your attention, the first time. But do not fret, the worst is already over!
Reconstruction
This is a time when you strengthen the steps taken in the previous stage and start to look at realistic solutions to move forward. You start to ‘allow’ yourself new opportunities. You actually take steps to find a way to grow and develop and enjoy life like it is meant to be – without that person and without even thinking about that person.
There will be times when memories will come back at this stage. Don’t get upset with yourself about feeling what you are. It is not a continuous upward graph. It is a ride that moves like a sinus curve but does end higher than where you started.
Acceptance and Hope
This is what the high point of the sinus curve looks like. By now, you have let go. You can even look back at your relationship as something pleasant. You learn to be thankful for the lessons you learned, rather than anger or shame. You feel nothing but compassion for your ex. You are ready to open your heart to other people and feel ready to accept them as they are, without the baggage of the past.
These are the stages that you can expect to go through if you work your way out of a mess. It is a tough patch to go through and it will take the amount of time that it will. Seek the support of a friend or a coach if you want to make sure that you do not get stuck at a specific stage and jeopardize your growth and your goals and your life.
An understanding of these stages allows you to move quickly through these stages. It keeps you from being stuck at one stage. If you think about it, you will probably be able to identify some of your friends who are stuck at the guilt stage or the anger stage and have never really moved on.
Do not let that happen to you!
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